Funny

A man reaches his 100th birthday and to celebrate he goes to his local pub. The landlord announces to his patrons that his longest serving customer is 100 years old today! The drinks start flowing and the old timer ends up in the mostly empty bar looking a little sad. A beautiful 18 year old girl goes up to the old man and asks why he looks so sad. "My darling wife Elsie died 20 years ago, and I miss her." The girl takes pity on him and says "I know I can't replace your wife, but it would be my pleasure to make love to a man like you." The man agrees, this would more than round off his birthday. A couple of weeks pass and the old man is pleased as punch, having had sex with a gorgeous woman some 80 years his junior. However his happiness soon turns to concern when he starts to notice something wrong with his old feller. He visits the doctor who asks what the problem is. "Well," the old man replies, "I've got this discharge from the end of my penis". "Hmmm," says the doctor, "I'd better have a look". The doctor examines the man's member, scratches his head and says, "This may sound like a strange question, but, have you had sex recently?" A wry grin spreads on the old man's face. "Yes Doc, a couple of weeks ago". The doctor gets up and says, "Well, I might be wrong but I think you're about to come!"

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards.

Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!", said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a young woman on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I'm a snail." The bloke replied. "What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young woman on your back?" "You've got it wrong, mate," the bloke replied. "That's Michelle".

A urologist, gynecologist, and sex therapist met one afternoon to discuss their results from a similar study. The urologist spoke first. "I spent $1,000,000 on my study and determined that the reason the head of a man's penis is wider than the shaft is so the man will feel more pleasure during intercourse." The gynecologist spoke next. "I spent $2,000,000 on my study and determined that the reason the head of a man's penis is wider than the shaft is so the woman will feel more pleasure during intercourse." "Oh yeah." said the sex therapist. "I only had to spend $100 on my study to determine that the reason the head of a man's penis is wider than the shaft is to prevent a man from accidentally hitting himself in the forehead while he's masturbating!!"

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts, He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughters' date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat... Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied "From the smell of his fingers,... our son in-law."

1. The Doctor because he says," Take off your clothes"
2. The Dentist because he says," Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says," Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The Milkman because he says," Do you want it in front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says," Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
6. The Banker because he says," If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest"
7. The Police Officer because he says," Spread 'em"
8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

The ABSOLUTE WORST Things To Say To A Police Officer (Just in case you ever get stopped...)

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer...
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in...
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer...
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead...
Bad cop! No donut!
You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence...
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand...
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does...
I was trying to keep up with traffic... Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are!
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist...
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control...
Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

There was this little boy who woke up 3 nights in a row to hear his parents making noises from their bedroom. On the 3rd morning, the little boy finally asked his mom, "Mom, for the last 3 night I waked up during the night, and I hear you and daddy making noises from your room. Why?" Surprised by the question the mom replies, "Well... I am jumping up and down on him because he is so fat, that it makes him feel thin." Then the boy said, "That won't work mom!" The mom asks, "Why?" The boy then says, "Because after you leave for work every morning, the lady from next door comes by and pumps dad right back up!"

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor" Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "MY dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what problem is?" "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket bitch.

There are three birds sitting on a wire when a gunman shoots one of them. How many birds are left?
Her student, a young boy, replies: "None"
No, let's try again. She holds up three fingers and repeats the questions and puts down one finger and again asks how many birds are left.
"None" repeats the boy emphatically and confidently.
The teacher sighs and asks how he came up with that answer.
The student replies: "Easy, once the gunman fired at one bird he scared the other two away!"
The teacher replied: "Well, technically, you're wrong, but I like the way you think!"
Okay, exclaimed the boy, now let me ask you a question? "There are three women sitting on a park bench eating Popsicles. One woman is licking the Popsicle, one woman is biting the Popsicle, and one woman is sucking the Popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked innocently.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.
C'mon, said the boy impatiently, "One is licking the Popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking! Which one is married?"
"Well" she gulped. And in a barely audible voice she answered, "the one that is sucking?"
"No!" says the boy with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think!"

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said," We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." "Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment." Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?" A gentleman said, "I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives." "Very good!", said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do. One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction." "That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do. But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-law's house for the 4 weeks." Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why you mother-in-law's home?" Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"

Two Texans were sitting at a bar when a young lady seated nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped & gagged where-upon one Texan said to the other, "That there gal is having a hard time. I'bd better go help." He ran over & said, "Can you swallow?" She shook her head. "Can you breath?" She shook her head. With that he yanked up her skirt & licked her on the butt. So shocked was the young woman that she coughed up the burger & began to breath. The Texan sat back down with his friend. "It's sure amazin," he said, "how that hind lick maneuver always works."

A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

A woman was very despondent over not having a date in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang. When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, in somewhat broken English, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me acloss the froor". She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr.Chang said "Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf ad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem". The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease.... that when your face look ZACHARY like your butt!"

1.The female makes the rules.
2.The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior notification.
3.No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are not permitted.
4.If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5.The female is never wrong.
6.If the female is wrong, it is because of an misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do, or did not say.
7.If rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
8.The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all.
9.The male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without the express written consent of the female which is given only in cases where the female wanted him to change his mind but gave no indication of that wish. See rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.
10.The female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole judgment she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of the root cause of the female's being angry or upset. The female may, however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying attention. See rule 13.
11.The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12.Under no circumstances may the female give the male any clue or indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset.
13.The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times. Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the sole discretion of the female.
14.The female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past incident without regard to temporal or spatial distance, and modify, enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive, pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish.
15.The female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has bestowed on other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or coworkers. Such illustrations are non-rebuttal.
16.If the female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviors she wishes without regard to logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior.
17.Any act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought, opinion, or belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective interpretation of the female, other external factors not-withstanding. Alibis, excuses, explanations, defenses, reasons, extenuations, or rationalizations will not be entertained. Abject please for mercy and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances, especially when accompanied by tangible evidence

1.your twin sister forgets your birthday.
2.you wake up face down on the pavement.
3.you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
4.you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
5.you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.
6.your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
7.your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
8.you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.
9.you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.
10.the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.
11.you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you don't have a water bed.
12.your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
13.you get a rejection notice from the HUMOR List server saying that you're no longer funny
14.your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."
15.you open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"
16.your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that you'd better get the Test
17.you wake up at work naked in front of your co-workers
18.when someone accuses you of faking humor
19.your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the movers are here to move me."
20.you have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up
21.you need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate!

Q. What did the blonde mother say when her daughter announced that she was pregnant?
A."Are you sure it's yours?"

Did you hear about the blonde who: thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ELVIS AND SMART BLONDES?
A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

.Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia...

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.

This guy found a lamp and he rubbed it and a genie pops out The genie said he would grant him one wish & one wish only. The guy goes "Well, I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid of flying. Build a bridge from my house to Hawaii." The genie says "Well I dont know if I can do that. The ocean is too deep for the pillars and it will be way too hard, so pick another one." The guy was like "Okay then. I have a problem understanding women...I want to understand women as my wish." The genie says, "Do you want the bridge one lane or two?"

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice. When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!" "Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget." "Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!" "OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife. "Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem--a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream." With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"

1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
4. What's another word for synonym?
5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
7. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
8. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
9. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
10. Why do they report power outages on TV?
11. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
12. Is it possible to be totally partial?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
17. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
18. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
19. If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
20. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
21. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
22. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
23. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
24. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

Father O'Leary is doing confession one Sunday when he realizes he has to pee . He peeks his head out of the confessional and sees a group of altar boys sitting in the pews. He calls out for one and asks the little boy to take his place while he goes to the bathroom, "Whenever they enter, allow them to confess, and using this list, give them the appropriate repentance." There's a list posted on his side of the confessional. "For theft, 6 hail-Mary's. For murder, 12 hail-Mary's and an hour of silent prayer, and so on, ya got it." The boy nods and proceeds to wait. Along comes a lady who enters the confessional and begins "Father, it's been 2 weeks since my last confession." The boy, in a low, manly voice responds "Yes, go on my child." She continues to tell him that she gave a blowjob to a man who was not her husband. The boy scans the list saying to himself "Blowjob, blowjob, where's the friggin blowjob". Well there's no listing for blowjob, so he looks out and asks Tony, another altar boy. "Hey Tony, what does Father O'Leary give for a blowjob?" Tony goes, "A handful of Gummi Bears and a Snickers bar."

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. Inasmuch as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked," Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka. "Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

WHY WAS THE WOMAN CROSSING THE ROAD?
WHO CARES WHAT'S THE BITCH DOING OUT OF THE KITCHEN

1. WHEN YOU ASK HIS NAME, BLURTS OUT: "I'M SORRY, I'M JUST NOT READY TO COMMIT."
2. DRONES ON HOW WONDERFUL HIS EX WAS. THIS TRAIT OFTEN MANIFESTS ITSELF EARLY IN THE FORM OF: "I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN EVER LOVE AGAIN." YAWN
3. TELLS YOU: "I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO MEET MY MUM." IF HE ADDS: "YOU TWO ARE SO MUCH ALIKE," RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
4. WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DOES FOR A LIVING, REPLIES: "THIS AND THAT" OR HAS BEEN "BETWEEN JOBS" SINCE TIME BEGAN
5. WEARS A BALACLAVA TO WORK.
6. IS MARRIED AND SAYS: "MY WIFE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME." THIS MEANS HIS WIFE CLEARLY DOES UNDERSTAND HIM AND A MESSY DIVORCE IS PENDING.
7. IS MARRIED FULL STOP.
8. SAYS HIS DOG IS HIS BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD BECAUSE "HE'S NEVER LET ME DOWN."
9. CALLS OUT HIS OWN NAME DURING SEX.
10. MOVES HIS LIPS WHEN READING PENTHOUSE.
11. CALLS YOU BABE, LOVE OR DOLL.
12. USES THE EXPRESSION: "CHEER UP, IT MIGHT NEVER HAPPEN."
13. TELLS YOU: "WHAT I REALLY WANT IS A SEXUALLY EXPERIENCED VIRGIN."
14. RECKONS FOREPLAY IS SAYING: "I FANCY A CURRY AND A SHAG. HOW ABOUT YOU?"
15. BOASTS HE IS STILL FRIENDS WITH HIS EX-GIRLFRIENDS.
16. LOVES JUDY GARLAND AND HAS A COLLECTION OF SHOW TUNES.
17. METICULOUSLY HANGS UP HIS CLOTHES WHILST YOU LIE PROVOCATIVELY ON THE BED.
18. STILL TAKES HIS WASHING HOME TO MUM AND GIVES HER KEYS TO HIS FLAT.
19. IS A MEMBER OF ANY KIND OF DANGEROUS SPORTS CLUB.
20. CLAIMS TO BE A GENTLEMAN BUT ONLY OPENS THE CAR DOOR FOR YOU WHEN IT'S MOVING.

OPRAH WINFREY'S NEW FILM IS CALLED "BEFORE WOMEN HAD WINGS" I AM RELIABLY INFORMED IT IS NOT ABOUT SANITARY TOWELS.

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay???

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.	Job interfering with your drinking.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.	Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.	24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.	The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You can focus better with one eye closed.	Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.	You fall off the floor...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].	I'm as jober as a sudge.
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."	The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you	Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.	Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Roseanne looks good.	Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.	Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

"I know how to please a woman." "Then please leave me alone."	"Haven't I seen you someplace before?" "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
"Is this seat empty?" "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."	"I want to give myself to you." "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
"What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?" "What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?"	"Your place or mine?" "Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine."
"I'd go through anything for you." "Let's start with your bank account."	"May I have the last dance?" "You've just had it."
"I can tell that you want me." "Yes, I want you to leave."	"You look like a dream." "Go back to sleep."

LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE - when you lose your child in a crowded room.	LOVE - when intercourse is called "making love". LUST - all other times or when intercourse is called "screwing". MARRIAGE - what's intercourse?
LOVE - when you argue over how many children to have. LUST - when you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE - when you argue over money.	LOVE - when you share everything you own. LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money. MARRIAGE - when the bank owns everything.
LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax. LUST - when the relationship is over if you don't climax. MARRIAGE - what's a climax?	LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "Gidday". LUST - when you phone each other just to organize sex. MARRIAGE - when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.
LOVE - when you write poems about your partner. LUST - when all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE - when all you write is checks.	LOVE - when your farewell is "I love you darling...". LUST - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?". MARRIAGE - when your farewell is silent.
LOVE - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. LUST - when you only ever see each other in the bedroom naked. MARRIAGE - when you never see each other awake.	LOVE - when your heart flutters every time you see them. LUST - when your groin twitches every time you see them. MARRIAGE - when your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE - when nobody else matters. LUST - when nobody else knows. MARRIAGE - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.	LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about. LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think about. MARRIAGE - when just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE - when you're only interested in doing things with your partner. LUST - when you're only interested in doing things to your partner. MARRIAGE - when you're only interested in doing things alone.	LOVE - holding hands. LUST - touching with hands. MARRIAGE - washing hands after touching each other.

Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom? To keep the swelling down.	Why do men marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.	I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.	Why are men like laxatives? They irritate the shit out of you.	What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it! Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?	Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.	If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive through windows.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade? Two ways to cross a river.	Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.	Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover? He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with someone they love.	What did God say after creating man? I can do better.	What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.	What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.	Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because they already have boyfriends.	What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.	What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.

Lasergod's JOKES (DIRTY ONES SO BE WARNED)

Lasergod's
JOKES
(DIRTY ONES SO BE WARNED)